Official guidance · retirement gift

Retirement, formally noted. Grievances, formally closed.

Thirty years of reply-alls, the same mug and a desk drawer full of ketchup packets deserve a formal record. Close the file with findings, a ruling and a plan for the 30, 60 and 90 days after the last day.

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A satirical HR report given as a retirement gift — Case closed, with honors

A card with a case numberSign it like a retirement card, or read it aloud at the send-off.

Built from real storiesUse the habits and catchphrases colleagues will recognize from across the room.

Frame-readyPrint it on good paper or save it as a PDF for the slideshow.

Make it a celebration

Retirement filings work best as affectionate roasts: the legendary spreadsheets, the parking spot nobody else dared take, the stories told at every holiday party. Keep it fond.

Let the plan do the joking

The HR report includes a 30/60/90-day plan, which becomes the retiree’s official schedule of naps, fishing trips and not checking email.

Choose the right office

HR suits a workplace send-off. The Royal Court suits a family celebration or a friend leaving the group chat for the golf course.

Example language from the record
Performance improvement plan, Day 90: the subject will demonstrate sustained distance from the shared inbox and submit one photograph of a lake as evidence.

Questions entered into the record

Can several people contribute?

Yes. Gather the stories first, then put the best two or three into the filing.

Is it appropriate for a work event?

Yes, when the grievance is a harmless habit. Avoid anything private or genuinely critical.

How much is it?

$4.99, one time, with no subscription.

Petty grievances deserve due process.

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