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The Official Handbook of the Ministry of Petty Affairs
Standing Rulings, Approved Forms, and Recommended Penalties for the Small Offenses Government Has Failed to Address.
Kindle · paperback · hardcover
Every government has a department for the big things.
Nobody has a department for the person who microwaves fish at the office.
The Ministry of Petty Affairs does.
This is its official Handbook: the rulings, the forms and the penalties for the small offenses of daily life. The reply-all. The last slice. The borrowed ladder. The thermostat. The group chat about one missing sock. It cannot enforce anything. That is exactly why it works.
What’s inside
51 Standing Rulings
Each one with a Finding, a Recommended Penalty and a Petty Index of one to five flags.
12 Approved Forms
To fill in, from the Notice of Minor Grievance to the Apology Adequacy Review.
A Field Guide to 12 offenders
Including the one in the mirror.
The Schedule of Penalties
Entirely voluntary. Deeply satisfying.
The Entrance Examination
A quiz with a strong chance of starting an argument.
Certificates to tear out
A Certificate of Exceptional Pettiness and an Official Pardon, plus pages for your own Rulings.
A sample
Ruling B-1. The Reply-All
The Offense: A response of “Thanks!” sent to an entire distribution list of 400.
The Finding: Four hundred people have each lost four seconds. That is twenty-six minutes of human life, and it is gone.
Recommended Penalty: The offender must personally thank, in person, every recipient they can reach in a single afternoon.
Petty Index: ⚑⚑⚑⚑
Ruling A-2. The Last Slice, Taken Without Asking
The Finding: The last slice is not a prize. It is a trust. It must be offered aloud, and declined at least once, before it may be claimed.
Petty Index: ⚑⚑⚑
Who it’s for
The coworker, the roommate, the in-law, the friend who has never returned a Tupperware, and anyone who has ever said “no, it’s fine” and meant the opposite. It has a gift page in the front. It is meant to be given.
The method is three steps: Notice it. Name it. Let it go. Most people skip the first two.
Get the Ministry’s letter
An optional letter from the Ministry. No spam.
Available on Amazon in Kindle, paperback and hardcover formats.
Questions
Is this a real government agency?
No. The Ministry of Petty Affairs is a parody. It has no authority, no budget and no parking. Nothing in the Handbook is legal advice or a real statute. If someone has actually wronged you, contact a real authority.
Is it the same thing as this website?
Same Ministry, different office. The website turns your grievance into a mock Royal Court writ or HR incident report. The Handbook is the full book of rulings, forms and penalties behind it.
Is it related to The Everyday Common Asshole?
They share an author and a sense of humor, and you do not need one to enjoy the other. The Everyday Common Asshole is a satirical self-help guide; the Handbook is a book of rulings and forms.
Is it about my coworker?
Every offense in the Handbook is a habit, not a person. If you recognize your coworker, that is a coincidence the author takes no credit for. You will probably recognize yourself in a few, too.
Can I really fill in the forms?
Yes. The Forms and the reader pages are made to be written in. Delivering them is optional, and usually inadvisable.
Satirical novelty book. Not affiliated with or endorsed by any government agency or company. © 2026 J.D. Scruggs.