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The Everyday Common Asshole
A Satirical Self-Help Guide to Being Less of the Problem.
Planned: October 11, 2026
For the person whose apology needs an appendix.
The Everyday Common Asshole is a satirical shelf-help manual for taking the credit, keeping the microphone, and somehow leaving everybody else with the work.
Every chapter begins with terrible advice. Then comes the scene you recognize, and the invoice.
Meet the roommate who negotiates with a DO NOT EAT label. The self-appointed Admiral of the group chat. The wedding guest who brings slides. And four friends whose heroic camping stories have one problem: somebody kept the photographs.
Someone always pays. Check who.
What’s inside
A ten-question intake quiz
Score yourself, then score a friend. Disputing the score earns a bonus point.
Twelve lessons in becoming the problem
Each one hands you terrible advice, then practical ways to change your next move.
Two bonus chapters
When someone else is the ECA, and how to give the book without starting a fight.
A cheat sheet
Every Better Move from the book, on one page.
Dear Matt
An advice column that answers every question accurately and at length.
A glossary and lines worth reading aloud
The things people say before disappointing you, translated.
You don’t have to become a new person by Thursday. Start by making the apology shorter than the excuse. A gift for white elephants, retirements, birthdays, and friends who can take a joke, including the one in the mirror.
A sample
The intake form. Give yourself one point for each statement you have said, sincerely, in the last year.
“I’m just being honest.” · “It’ll only take a second.” (It did not.) · “No offense, but…” (The offense had already left the building with a witness.) · “Per my last email,” to a person standing next to you.
Take the full ECA Score Card free. Or bill someone with an ECA Invoice: the lesson, the itemized invoice, and the Better Move, written for your story.
Who it’s for
Anyone who has worked with, lived with, or been the person who is always the problem. White elephants, retirements, family gatherings, and the person you were thinking of. It is not owned by one gender or one office: the initials describe conduct, not chromosomes.
Get the launch note
One email when the book is out, and an optional weekly letter in between. No spam, no goose.
Buy links will appear here when the book is live. Dates are planned, not promised.
Questions
Is this about my boss?
Every character in the book is invented. They stand for habits, not people. If you recognize your boss, that is a coincidence the author takes no credit for.
Is it a real self-help book?
It is a joke book with a real idea underneath: attention is not respect, and being impossible can be profitable without being admirable. It includes a four-step method, the way a parody of a diet book might include a salad.
Does the book accuse real people of things?
No. The characters, companies, shows and venues in the case files are invented, and the real references are limited to classic stories, one musical, and a short line of business history. The book makes no claims about real people or businesses.
What does the Ministry of Petty Affairs have to do with it?
The author runs both. This site turns small grievances into mock Royal Court writs and HR incident reports. The author earns money from the site and from the book. You do not need either to enjoy the other.
Is the quiz a diagnosis?
No. “ECA” and “U.A.” are jokes about behavior. Nothing here is medical, psychological, legal, or professional advice. If someone is threatening, controlling, or endangering you, this is the wrong book; contact a real person whose job it is.
Satirical nonfiction. Not affiliated with or endorsed by any company or person mentioned. © 2026 J.D. Scruggs.